We become sad, angry, fearful, and traumatized.

It’s a heavy word, carrying the weight of fear and immobility. It’s more than just a bad experience; it’s a heightened emotional state that can result from any threatening or harmful event. And while we often think of trauma as a singular event, its impact can ripple outwards, affecting individuals, families, and even entire communities. This blog post aims to shed light on trauma, its effects, and most importantly, how we can cope and break the cycle of intergenerational trauma.

Attorney Karen Oehme, Director of the Institute for Family Violence Studies in the Florida State University College of Social Work wisely stated, “Much of this knowledge is NOT INTUITIVE. Understanding trauma requires us to look beyond our immediate reactions and delve into the complexities of its impact.”

The Impact of Untreated Trauma

Untreated trauma poses a significant danger, especially in the immediate aftermath of divorce, and grappling with child custody litigation. It can hinder normal development in children and disrupt healthy behaviors in adults. Children experiencing trauma may struggle with learning, potentially leading to lifelong difficulties in maintaining employment or forming nurturing relationships. Adults might find themselves grappling with unexplained anger or difficulty managing emotions, lacking the perspective needed to process their experiences.  They fear the unknown, as where they are now going to live, how can they afford to sustain themselves, who will understand their new status as a custodial or non custodial parent.  Parents in high conflict child custody cases face expensive litigation, or choose to represent themselves, seeking advice and training from many sources in a rapidly escalating and worsening situation.   Parents in high conflict fear may never have a regular, enjoyable visitation  with their children; that the children will be brainwashed against them by the other parent or their family; that they will not be able to obtain normal co-parenting; that their children will not be able to again trust them, or that the children may find other friends who may offer them immediate comeraderie, and introduce them to drugs and alcohol, and crime.   

What does a child’s traumatic response look like?  Childhood trauma manifests in many ways.  They become estranged, or unwilling to see the non-custodial parent when there is scheduled parenting time or supervised visitation.  They withdraw, cry often, lose interest in other activities and friends, become unable to concentrate in the classroom.  They turn secretly to more comforting drugs, or alchohol. They bully others in school,  and may contemplate suicide. 

Recognizing the Symptoms

Trauma’s effects can appear within weeks or months of the initial event. Some short-term symptoms include shock, and even “fawning” – a coping mechanism where individuals try to appease or please others to avoid conflict or perceived danger. Long-term effects can be devastating, impacting an individual’s ability to maintain stable employment, build healthy relationships, and parent effectively.  It is likely to haunt the individual for years and may also lead to intergenerational trauma, where the abnormal, dangerous behaviors become adopted by the children so changed by their parent’s divorce and demonstrates these behaviors to their own children when themselves become parents.

Coping Strategies: Breaking the Cycle

The good news is that the cycle of trauma can be broken. Here are some strategies for coping and healing:

• • Grounding Techniques: These exercises help bring you back to the present moment, especially when feeling overwhelmed. Simple techniques like deep breathing (inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth) and focusing on a fixed object (like a leaf or a colorful image) can be incredibly effective.

• • Self-Care: Prioritizing your well-being is crucial. This might include getting enough sleep, eating nutritious foods, engaging in physical activity, and pursuing hobbies that bring you joy.  

• • Mindfulness and Presence: Learning to be present in the moment can help you manage overwhelming emotions and create space between your thoughts and reactions.

• • Seeking Support: Get financial and other help from family and friends. Seek a therapist, counselor for neutral guidance.  Importantly, find a support group where you can provide a safe space to process your experiences, find acceptance, and learn what other have done to find convenient and appropriate coping mechanisms. Don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help.

• • Parenting Skills: For parents impacted by trauma, learning effective parenting skills is essential. This includes understanding how trauma affects behavior, developing emotional regulation skills, and learning how to create a safe and nurturing environment for children. Transitioning between activities and focusing on being present are key elements of mindful parenting.

• • Resources: There are many books written over the years addressing specific issues of parents separation and divorce, and understanding how to cope when your child may be alienated.  Learn how to speak with an attorney, and how to use the court if pro se.    A special book I have found helpful during my own very painful divorce and litigation was to read, many times, Man’s Search for Meaning by Dr. Victor Frankl, Holocaust survivor and founder of logotherapy.  

A Call to Action

 Healing from trauma is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself and celebrate every step forward.